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I intended to come into this entry neutrally, but I ended up breaking something expensive going to get my laptop. Just my luck that I ran out of super glue too. I'll try not to let the anger flood into this post, but I'm making no promises.
It's been a little rough lately. I'm still microdosing, and I'm seeing very little changes in behavior other than a bit more empathy for my mother. At the same time, living with her is stressing me out like nothing else. I've got a very low stress tolerance right now and tend to either get extremely angry or start crying on the spot when I'm met with bad news, no matter how mild. I've cried twice within the past few days, and I've had to really start taking advantage of my anxiety medication. I don't like taking it because it's practically a sedative, but I have needed to lately. I really do feel like I could snap at any moment. I already have, so I don't want it to happen again. Humans weren't meant to live under these conditions.
Living with my parents is becoming harder and harder. As I mentioned, my mother is a big part of this. I'm barely trusted to take care of myself; she's always seen me as fragile and easy to take advantage of. I beg to differ, but it falls on deaf ears. What really is affecting me is really understanding that I can't heal unless I leave the source of my trauma. The fact of the matter is that I cannot live away from my mother right now — please don't offer any advice on this, I've heard it all. There are also practically no resources for people like me who are still stuck in their place-of-trauma. Every time I seek advice, it's just "I moved away and I'm happier now". I understand the sentiment, but its not helpful when the problem is that we cannot leave. And we will not be able to leave for a long time.
I've been through a lot, to the point where my friends have basically said they are surprised I'm still alive and optimistic about life. I have trained myself to deal with a lot... and this will backfire on me socially, I'm sure... but it would be nice to have some actual actionable advice while I live this way. Some external hope.
My closest friend just told me she's moving further south. I took this news as well as one might expect. I'm calmer about it now, but alas. Her reasoning was mostly because she wants to be more independent from her parents and live her ideal solitary life. I'm a bit envious. This is something I've always wanted, but haven't felt like I've been able to take steps toward. This sounds bad, but I've considered her to be a lot like myself; we have many overlapping mental issues, extremely similar experiences, but it's now that I'm really facing how she's a different person from me. She is social, she takes steps to do things that I struggle with, and she's even taking the initiative to move. She's gotten her parents to trust her, and she travels so much all on her own. She has so much more agency than I do, and I recognize it's mostly because she just acts instead of waiting for permission. It's tough to see how we've grown up together, and yet she's more grown than I am. It's a bit inspiring, I suppose. Right now, I'm stuck focused on this move, so I can't really do much about independence at the moment.
On another note, I'm thankful to have a few friends reach out to me recently since I've been very off-the-radar. I was feeling very ashamed around them because of something that had happened a few months back, so it makes me happy to know they've been thinking about how I'm doing. I also have been a bit more grateful for the people I've met recently online. First of all, I'm happy that I'm meeting more women. Thank god. I will say though, many of them are men, and I'm surprised how polite many of them have been. One has given me moving advice when I asked, another helped me promote some of my art, and another always lets me know when there's an open spot on the game server. I've only had one person flirt with me, and another seemingly try before respecting that I'm a lesbian when I told him. I'm very very lucky here, considering I tend to have bad luck with making male friends these days.
Well, time to get up and scour the room for the broken shards of this thing I knocked over. I might be able to put it back together, God willing.
It's been a little rough lately. I'm still microdosing, and I'm seeing very little changes in behavior other than a bit more empathy for my mother. At the same time, living with her is stressing me out like nothing else. I've got a very low stress tolerance right now and tend to either get extremely angry or start crying on the spot when I'm met with bad news, no matter how mild. I've cried twice within the past few days, and I've had to really start taking advantage of my anxiety medication. I don't like taking it because it's practically a sedative, but I have needed to lately. I really do feel like I could snap at any moment. I already have, so I don't want it to happen again. Humans weren't meant to live under these conditions.
Living with my parents is becoming harder and harder. As I mentioned, my mother is a big part of this. I'm barely trusted to take care of myself; she's always seen me as fragile and easy to take advantage of. I beg to differ, but it falls on deaf ears. What really is affecting me is really understanding that I can't heal unless I leave the source of my trauma. The fact of the matter is that I cannot live away from my mother right now — please don't offer any advice on this, I've heard it all. There are also practically no resources for people like me who are still stuck in their place-of-trauma. Every time I seek advice, it's just "I moved away and I'm happier now". I understand the sentiment, but its not helpful when the problem is that we cannot leave. And we will not be able to leave for a long time.
I've been through a lot, to the point where my friends have basically said they are surprised I'm still alive and optimistic about life. I have trained myself to deal with a lot... and this will backfire on me socially, I'm sure... but it would be nice to have some actual actionable advice while I live this way. Some external hope.
My closest friend just told me she's moving further south. I took this news as well as one might expect. I'm calmer about it now, but alas. Her reasoning was mostly because she wants to be more independent from her parents and live her ideal solitary life. I'm a bit envious. This is something I've always wanted, but haven't felt like I've been able to take steps toward. This sounds bad, but I've considered her to be a lot like myself; we have many overlapping mental issues, extremely similar experiences, but it's now that I'm really facing how she's a different person from me. She is social, she takes steps to do things that I struggle with, and she's even taking the initiative to move. She's gotten her parents to trust her, and she travels so much all on her own. She has so much more agency than I do, and I recognize it's mostly because she just acts instead of waiting for permission. It's tough to see how we've grown up together, and yet she's more grown than I am. It's a bit inspiring, I suppose. Right now, I'm stuck focused on this move, so I can't really do much about independence at the moment.
On another note, I'm thankful to have a few friends reach out to me recently since I've been very off-the-radar. I was feeling very ashamed around them because of something that had happened a few months back, so it makes me happy to know they've been thinking about how I'm doing. I also have been a bit more grateful for the people I've met recently online. First of all, I'm happy that I'm meeting more women. Thank god. I will say though, many of them are men, and I'm surprised how polite many of them have been. One has given me moving advice when I asked, another helped me promote some of my art, and another always lets me know when there's an open spot on the game server. I've only had one person flirt with me, and another seemingly try before respecting that I'm a lesbian when I told him. I'm very very lucky here, considering I tend to have bad luck with making male friends these days.
Well, time to get up and scour the room for the broken shards of this thing I knocked over. I might be able to put it back together, God willing.
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