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Hello there, darling. You can call me Spider.
This is my psychedelic integration journal, something I'll hopefully be using long-term as a way to process psychedelic and otherwise spiritual experiences and integrate what I've learned into my life going forward. I am an advocate for the healing power of psilocybin mushrooms and am an occasional psychonaut as a result. If you have any questions about that, feel free to ask. Keep in mind I'm no expert, nor a cultivator.
More about me... I am a disabled lesbian artist with OCD. I sketch and paint from time-to-time, and I love music more than anything. It makes every aspect of my life better. Some genres I enjoy include psychedelic rock, stoner metal, doom metal, hip-hop, and bossa nova. (Ask me about my favorite bands, I love to gush.) I am a deeply spiritual person, and my religious practice is very personal and progressive. I have a deep interest in theology, mysticism, and esotericism. I love all colors of the rainbow and support our trans sisters.
For personal reasons, I'll be keeping some things anonymous. I'm always happy to make new friends, though :)
I intended to come into this entry neutrally, but I ended up breaking something expensive going to get my laptop. Just my luck that I ran out of super glue too. I'll try not to let the anger flood into this post, but I'm making no promises.
It's been a little rough lately. I'm still microdosing, and I'm seeing very little changes in behavior other than a bit more empathy for my mother. At the same time, living with her is stressing me out like nothing else. I've got a very low stress tolerance right now and tend to either get extremely angry or start crying on the spot when I'm met with bad news, no matter how mild. I've cried twice within the past few days, and I've had to really start taking advantage of my anxiety medication. I don't like taking it because it's practically a sedative, but I have needed to lately. I really do feel like I could snap at any moment. I already have, so I don't want it to happen again. Humans weren't meant to live under these conditions.
Living with my parents is becoming harder and harder. As I mentioned, my mother is a big part of this. I'm barely trusted to take care of myself; she's always seen me as fragile and easy to take advantage of. I beg to differ, but it falls on deaf ears. What really is affecting me is really understanding that I can't heal unless I leave the source of my trauma. The fact of the matter is that I cannot live away from my mother right now — please don't offer any advice on this, I've heard it all. There are also practically no resources for people like me who are still stuck in their place-of-trauma. Every time I seek advice, it's just "I moved away and I'm happier now". I understand the sentiment, but its not helpful when the problem is that we cannot leave. And we will not be able to leave for a long time.
I've been through a lot, to the point where my friends have basically said they are surprised I'm still alive and optimistic about life. I have trained myself to deal with a lot... and this will backfire on me socially, I'm sure... but it would be nice to have some actual actionable advice while I live this way. Some external hope.
My closest friend just told me she's moving further south. I took this news as well as one might expect. I'm calmer about it now, but alas. Her reasoning was mostly because she wants to be more independent from her parents and live her ideal solitary life. I'm a bit envious. This is something I've always wanted, but haven't felt like I've been able to take steps toward. This sounds bad, but I've considered her to be a lot like myself; we have many overlapping mental issues, extremely similar experiences, but it's now that I'm really facing how she's a different person from me. She is social, she takes steps to do things that I struggle with, and she's even taking the initiative to move. She's gotten her parents to trust her, and she travels so much all on her own. She has so much more agency than I do, and I recognize it's mostly because she just acts instead of waiting for permission. It's tough to see how we've grown up together, and yet she's more grown than I am. It's a bit inspiring, I suppose. Right now, I'm stuck focused on this move, so I can't really do much about independence at the moment.
On another note, I'm thankful to have a few friends reach out to me recently since I've been very off-the-radar. I was feeling very ashamed around them because of something that had happened a few months back, so it makes me happy to know they've been thinking about how I'm doing. I also have been a bit more grateful for the people I've met recently online. First of all, I'm happy that I'm meeting more women. Thank god. I will say though, many of them are men, and I'm surprised how polite many of them have been. One has given me moving advice when I asked, another helped me promote some of my art, and another always lets me know when there's an open spot on the game server. I've only had one person flirt with me, and another seemingly try before respecting that I'm a lesbian when I told him. I'm very very lucky here, considering I tend to have bad luck with making male friends these days.
Well, time to get up and scour the room for the broken shards of this thing I knocked over. I might be able to put it back together, God willing.
It's been a little rough lately. I'm still microdosing, and I'm seeing very little changes in behavior other than a bit more empathy for my mother. At the same time, living with her is stressing me out like nothing else. I've got a very low stress tolerance right now and tend to either get extremely angry or start crying on the spot when I'm met with bad news, no matter how mild. I've cried twice within the past few days, and I've had to really start taking advantage of my anxiety medication. I don't like taking it because it's practically a sedative, but I have needed to lately. I really do feel like I could snap at any moment. I already have, so I don't want it to happen again. Humans weren't meant to live under these conditions.
Living with my parents is becoming harder and harder. As I mentioned, my mother is a big part of this. I'm barely trusted to take care of myself; she's always seen me as fragile and easy to take advantage of. I beg to differ, but it falls on deaf ears. What really is affecting me is really understanding that I can't heal unless I leave the source of my trauma. The fact of the matter is that I cannot live away from my mother right now — please don't offer any advice on this, I've heard it all. There are also practically no resources for people like me who are still stuck in their place-of-trauma. Every time I seek advice, it's just "I moved away and I'm happier now". I understand the sentiment, but its not helpful when the problem is that we cannot leave. And we will not be able to leave for a long time.
I've been through a lot, to the point where my friends have basically said they are surprised I'm still alive and optimistic about life. I have trained myself to deal with a lot... and this will backfire on me socially, I'm sure... but it would be nice to have some actual actionable advice while I live this way. Some external hope.
My closest friend just told me she's moving further south. I took this news as well as one might expect. I'm calmer about it now, but alas. Her reasoning was mostly because she wants to be more independent from her parents and live her ideal solitary life. I'm a bit envious. This is something I've always wanted, but haven't felt like I've been able to take steps toward. This sounds bad, but I've considered her to be a lot like myself; we have many overlapping mental issues, extremely similar experiences, but it's now that I'm really facing how she's a different person from me. She is social, she takes steps to do things that I struggle with, and she's even taking the initiative to move. She's gotten her parents to trust her, and she travels so much all on her own. She has so much more agency than I do, and I recognize it's mostly because she just acts instead of waiting for permission. It's tough to see how we've grown up together, and yet she's more grown than I am. It's a bit inspiring, I suppose. Right now, I'm stuck focused on this move, so I can't really do much about independence at the moment.
On another note, I'm thankful to have a few friends reach out to me recently since I've been very off-the-radar. I was feeling very ashamed around them because of something that had happened a few months back, so it makes me happy to know they've been thinking about how I'm doing. I also have been a bit more grateful for the people I've met recently online. First of all, I'm happy that I'm meeting more women. Thank god. I will say though, many of them are men, and I'm surprised how polite many of them have been. One has given me moving advice when I asked, another helped me promote some of my art, and another always lets me know when there's an open spot on the game server. I've only had one person flirt with me, and another seemingly try before respecting that I'm a lesbian when I told him. I'm very very lucky here, considering I tend to have bad luck with making male friends these days.
Well, time to get up and scour the room for the broken shards of this thing I knocked over. I might be able to put it back together, God willing.
Tags:
I was looking at my income tracking spreadsheet and I noticed something curious — my average income seems to have doubled this month. A closer look also shows that on average, my deposits are larger (triple digits) and more frequent. I'm trying not to correlate this immediately to my use of mushrooms, but this is maybe the only major change I can think of this month.
I do some freelance project-based work, and a lot of my usual projects have disappeared. They were somewhat lower-paying, easy tasks I could easily multitask while doing. They also disappeared from my dashboard pretty quickly, I guess because they are easy, so other workers could just blast through 'em. Now, I'm doing higher-paying, more consistent projects that require careful cross-referencing and more writing.
An obvious factor in this income boost... the projects pay more and are more consistent. Clearly. However over the long-term, I've really struggled doing any project that isn't the equivalent of playing Papers, Please. The cross-checking is there, sure, but I've always hated the writing elements of it all. And there is so much more information to sort through when completing my work. In fact, I can maybe only focus in 1 hour bursts, so ... does it really add up that quickly now? It's unclear to me if I'm just getting better at focusing and thus I can work on these more complex projects effectively, or if this is just a brief period of having projects that I am inclined towards. I do hope these stick around, at the very least, since I certainly am enjoying the money. This work is very irregular and unreliable, so I appreciate the stability.
Another thought I'm having is that this is potentially in relation to a concert I went to recently. I maxed out my credit card on my trip to the city and my main goal with work has been 1. paying off my balance and 2. making sure I have enough money set aside for the next concert I set my sights on. You know how a lot of people with ADHD say they work better when they have a strict deadline? I lost this perk as far as academics goes, but if my finances are on the line, I get serious. Similarly, this could be related to how I'm investing a lot in this move/storage and want to have enough money to both sustain myself and buy the things I need for packing. I am quite alone in this, after all. Hm, well, food for thought.
On another note, I am still microdosing. This second time I took a smaller amount, which seems to have worked in my favor. I think I noted a more pleasant mood that day, minus the intense emotional reaction. I have been a bit irritable lately, but we can chalk that up to my hormones, moving stress, and enduring abusive behavior from the people around me. I may take a bit more today, which is too early based on my schedule, but I still want to. I won't overdo it, don't worry.
Back to work then. Tomorrow, if my back pain lets up, I'll buy some bubble wrap and get back to packing some of my breakables.
I do some freelance project-based work, and a lot of my usual projects have disappeared. They were somewhat lower-paying, easy tasks I could easily multitask while doing. They also disappeared from my dashboard pretty quickly, I guess because they are easy, so other workers could just blast through 'em. Now, I'm doing higher-paying, more consistent projects that require careful cross-referencing and more writing.
An obvious factor in this income boost... the projects pay more and are more consistent. Clearly. However over the long-term, I've really struggled doing any project that isn't the equivalent of playing Papers, Please. The cross-checking is there, sure, but I've always hated the writing elements of it all. And there is so much more information to sort through when completing my work. In fact, I can maybe only focus in 1 hour bursts, so ... does it really add up that quickly now? It's unclear to me if I'm just getting better at focusing and thus I can work on these more complex projects effectively, or if this is just a brief period of having projects that I am inclined towards. I do hope these stick around, at the very least, since I certainly am enjoying the money. This work is very irregular and unreliable, so I appreciate the stability.
Another thought I'm having is that this is potentially in relation to a concert I went to recently. I maxed out my credit card on my trip to the city and my main goal with work has been 1. paying off my balance and 2. making sure I have enough money set aside for the next concert I set my sights on. You know how a lot of people with ADHD say they work better when they have a strict deadline? I lost this perk as far as academics goes, but if my finances are on the line, I get serious. Similarly, this could be related to how I'm investing a lot in this move/storage and want to have enough money to both sustain myself and buy the things I need for packing. I am quite alone in this, after all. Hm, well, food for thought.
On another note, I am still microdosing. This second time I took a smaller amount, which seems to have worked in my favor. I think I noted a more pleasant mood that day, minus the intense emotional reaction. I have been a bit irritable lately, but we can chalk that up to my hormones, moving stress, and enduring abusive behavior from the people around me. I may take a bit more today, which is too early based on my schedule, but I still want to. I won't overdo it, don't worry.
Back to work then. Tomorrow, if my back pain lets up, I'll buy some bubble wrap and get back to packing some of my breakables.
Tags:
Hmm, so the moving process is speeding up considerably fast, and it's all stressing me out a bit. To avoid getting too specific, I'm going to have to move sometime within the next month, which means clearing out an entire family home and also finding a place for us to live. I'm no good with logistics, plus I have severe fatigue issues, so I don't know how I'm expected to do all this with very little support (more on that later). We don't exactly have a stellar budget either and live in a very expensive area, so I'm personally considering moving out of the region. The main issue is getting my family on board with such a long distance (good riddance to this place, I say), though secondarily it's a lot of social issues.
This isn't something I want to go into great detail on, but I recently had a one-sided falling out with my group of friends. Things just generally got complicated with me being the one woman in the group and the rest being men, and some things happened that made me uncomfortable being around them right now. I don't know if things will improve, because I already attempted reaching out to everyone and it just generally made me feel worse. Some more direct emotional support would be helpful, but that doesn't seem like it's in the cards. It's a shame. I don't know if communication would help, I just feel like everything has blown up in my face and I'm the only one seriously upset to this degree. Oh well.
Anyway, my only other friend in the area has also talked about moving, so my attachment to this place has practically dwindled to nothing. I decided a few months ago that I need to focus on making more local friends, and I'm relying very heavily on this move to put me in a better place. I need somewhere with good public transit since I can't drive, and I want to live somewhere suitable enough for a young person while also appeasing my family's need for quiet and safety. I really desperately need to be able to have easy access to the music scene, which either means living in the epicenter or having transit options. I have one place I really would like to go, but again, this depends on my family's receptivity to the idea. Then I'd have to deal with the issue of figuring things like insurance, getting a new ID, finding new medical providers... oh, how I hate dealing with bureaucracy...
On another note... I decided because of all the stress I'm gonna try microdosing again. I really just need an extra boost that my medication isn't giving me. I'm maybe an hour or so into this dose and I have that weird head feeling I had on the trip (this is the same strain) but nothing weird. I feel a bit more sensitive though, which is not exactly ideal. I may take a smaller amount next time. It at least seems to have slowed down my brain a bit and soothed my anxiety. I don't think I'm going to make much progress on anything related to moving today, so I'll just put it off to tomorrow. Today I just want to relax, do my work, maybe create some art, and talk to my online friends.
The least I can do is make a list of things to take care of going forward. I wish I had some more emotional support, but what can you do?
This isn't something I want to go into great detail on, but I recently had a one-sided falling out with my group of friends. Things just generally got complicated with me being the one woman in the group and the rest being men, and some things happened that made me uncomfortable being around them right now. I don't know if things will improve, because I already attempted reaching out to everyone and it just generally made me feel worse. Some more direct emotional support would be helpful, but that doesn't seem like it's in the cards. It's a shame. I don't know if communication would help, I just feel like everything has blown up in my face and I'm the only one seriously upset to this degree. Oh well.
Anyway, my only other friend in the area has also talked about moving, so my attachment to this place has practically dwindled to nothing. I decided a few months ago that I need to focus on making more local friends, and I'm relying very heavily on this move to put me in a better place. I need somewhere with good public transit since I can't drive, and I want to live somewhere suitable enough for a young person while also appeasing my family's need for quiet and safety. I really desperately need to be able to have easy access to the music scene, which either means living in the epicenter or having transit options. I have one place I really would like to go, but again, this depends on my family's receptivity to the idea. Then I'd have to deal with the issue of figuring things like insurance, getting a new ID, finding new medical providers... oh, how I hate dealing with bureaucracy...
On another note... I decided because of all the stress I'm gonna try microdosing again. I really just need an extra boost that my medication isn't giving me. I'm maybe an hour or so into this dose and I have that weird head feeling I had on the trip (this is the same strain) but nothing weird. I feel a bit more sensitive though, which is not exactly ideal. I may take a smaller amount next time. It at least seems to have slowed down my brain a bit and soothed my anxiety. I don't think I'm going to make much progress on anything related to moving today, so I'll just put it off to tomorrow. Today I just want to relax, do my work, maybe create some art, and talk to my online friends.
The least I can do is make a list of things to take care of going forward. I wish I had some more emotional support, but what can you do?
Tags:
One thing I forgot to mention was that, on that phone call, I ended up saying that the number one most important thing to me is music. This is why I feel like my only hope of socializing and meeting new people is at concerts, and why my only idea for work lies in getting a job as a music writer. To be specific, something like a music journalist or a musicologist. I may know how to play a few instruments, but at a pretty intermediate level – plus, I've got stage fright.
Anywho, because of this I find myself being drawn back to my art once again. I'm unsure if this is directly related to the trip, but I feel a bit better being a "nobody" and feel a bit less intimidated by other artists and their skill. It's making me want to create again, though I can't quite find good inspiration or the momentum to continue once I've started something. I've been mainly making quick doodles for graffiti slaps in the meantime.
I actually just stopped writing this entry to make another one based on a sketch I made earlier in the day, haha. Maybe I do still have it after all. I hope after my move, I will be able to set aside a space as my "art studio".
Anywho, because of this I find myself being drawn back to my art once again. I'm unsure if this is directly related to the trip, but I feel a bit better being a "nobody" and feel a bit less intimidated by other artists and their skill. It's making me want to create again, though I can't quite find good inspiration or the momentum to continue once I've started something. I've been mainly making quick doodles for graffiti slaps in the meantime.
I actually just stopped writing this entry to make another one based on a sketch I made earlier in the day, haha. Maybe I do still have it after all. I hope after my move, I will be able to set aside a space as my "art studio".
Today I was in a pretty good mood. I feel a lot of the lingering anxieties still, which I'm unsure how to handle beyond giving myself the space to feel and be kind to myself about it. I will say, I had a very nice interaction that built on the sense of community I've been craving and finally realized I have.
I was playing an online game in the evening and, nowadays, I greet the server when I join. When I did, just about everybody said hello to me. A lot of them are also regulars on the server, so it warmed my heart being acknowledged as a person by everyone. Then someone I had added a few months ago struck up a conversation with me. He asked how long I'd been a regular, we talked different weapon combinations, then he sent me a cosmetic after he left the game. He offered to help show me different custom skins and whatnot, which was so kind. He also thanked me for "vibing" with him during the match.
It also reminded me, I have been getting frequent PMs from other members of the server. They will sometimes ask me to let them know when a player slot opens, or make a remark about another player, or even chat about other interests to avoid cluttering up the voice chat with our yapping. Not to mention the one guy I always banter with and have even shown some art to. He remembers things I've said and has asked about them days, weeks later. It all makes me very happy.
I really do need to remember I can always further these connections if I want to, and that these people genuinely consider me friends — even if it is just in the specific context of playing this game, haha.
Also, it's huge that I am this openly social in a space with voice chat. I went from not even participating in text chat to being quite active in voice chat even beyond call-outs. I have really, truly come a long way. Coupling this with recent attempts to talk to concertgoers and musicians, I am making so much progress. The "me" of even a year ago would be so proud of how far I've come in flexing my social muscles again.
As a side note, this is also a good reminder for me to make sure I get back on Prozac ASAP. It is tremendously helpful for quelling my OCD. I've been so substance-dependent that I haven't taken them as frequently. This is something to get consistent with once again.
I was playing an online game in the evening and, nowadays, I greet the server when I join. When I did, just about everybody said hello to me. A lot of them are also regulars on the server, so it warmed my heart being acknowledged as a person by everyone. Then someone I had added a few months ago struck up a conversation with me. He asked how long I'd been a regular, we talked different weapon combinations, then he sent me a cosmetic after he left the game. He offered to help show me different custom skins and whatnot, which was so kind. He also thanked me for "vibing" with him during the match.
It also reminded me, I have been getting frequent PMs from other members of the server. They will sometimes ask me to let them know when a player slot opens, or make a remark about another player, or even chat about other interests to avoid cluttering up the voice chat with our yapping. Not to mention the one guy I always banter with and have even shown some art to. He remembers things I've said and has asked about them days, weeks later. It all makes me very happy.
I really do need to remember I can always further these connections if I want to, and that these people genuinely consider me friends — even if it is just in the specific context of playing this game, haha.
Also, it's huge that I am this openly social in a space with voice chat. I went from not even participating in text chat to being quite active in voice chat even beyond call-outs. I have really, truly come a long way. Coupling this with recent attempts to talk to concertgoers and musicians, I am making so much progress. The "me" of even a year ago would be so proud of how far I've come in flexing my social muscles again.
As a side note, this is also a good reminder for me to make sure I get back on Prozac ASAP. It is tremendously helpful for quelling my OCD. I've been so substance-dependent that I haven't taken them as frequently. This is something to get consistent with once again.
Today is the first time in maybe two years that I've had a truly psychedelic experience.
I don't really remember if I went out today deciding I would pick anything up, but it did end up happening. I went out with the intention to just focus on work (I am a freelancer) and try to distract myself from the emotional pain of the past few weeks. Before leaving the house, I did write this note:
I picked up some cubes and, without measuring, plucked out the smallest stem there was and ate it. I'm experienced enough for this to not be a big deal, though admittedly I was not expecting much. The last batch I got from this person was not particularly potent despite dosing 2g and made me feel more stoned than anything. This one... this was something else. First it was just a body high, then closed-eye visuals, then I got emotional.
I called the Fireside Project when I was around the peak and talked to a very beautiful person for about 2 hours until their shift ended. I may need to call again for some advice during the integration process, but I'm so glad I called just during this. These are a few insights I recall from our conversation:
I cried a lot on my phone call. I really spilled my guts to this person and they were so kind to listen to me. I wish I had gotten their name. After that interaction I headed back inside and worked a bit longer before heading home. My parents could tell I had a different air surrounding me, and it was fine. Now I'm here writing this journal entry, haha.
My eyes are really tired, and I feel sleepy. I haven't eaten all day so I'm gonna go make something to eat. I don't think I have it in me to process everything right this moment. I just need the rest, time to think, time to enjoy this sense of peace. I do intend to take full advantage of this tranquility and neuroplasticity soon, just not tonight.
I am very grateful for the kind souls at the Fireside Project. I'm grateful for the community I have found playing a silly online game with other silly people. I'm grateful for the life I have, the support I get from my parents, and the fact that I still have a roof over my head.
Next step: Checking out the MAPS Psychedelic Integration Workbook.
I don't really remember if I went out today deciding I would pick anything up, but it did end up happening. I went out with the intention to just focus on work (I am a freelancer) and try to distract myself from the emotional pain of the past few weeks. Before leaving the house, I did write this note:
Time will tell if my substance use ends up being long-term abuse or just a temporary dependence. So far it's helping me not want to off myself so it's probably fine for now. I'll be monitoring it.
It's safe to say I had no real intentions going in. I just wanted to feel better, feel good. Something to keep the suicidal ideation away.I picked up some cubes and, without measuring, plucked out the smallest stem there was and ate it. I'm experienced enough for this to not be a big deal, though admittedly I was not expecting much. The last batch I got from this person was not particularly potent despite dosing 2g and made me feel more stoned than anything. This one... this was something else. First it was just a body high, then closed-eye visuals, then I got emotional.
I called the Fireside Project when I was around the peak and talked to a very beautiful person for about 2 hours until their shift ended. I may need to call again for some advice during the integration process, but I'm so glad I called just during this. These are a few insights I recall from our conversation:
- I do treasure the close relationship I have with my parents. This is something that I think differs from my friends' relationships with their parents. Despite some of this closeness definitely having toxic elements (controlling behavior, emotional abuse), I do still respect my bond with them. The reason I don't just disobey and rebel is because I want to maintain a good relationship with them and build trust.
- People truly are kind. Despite being programmed to see everything through a true-crime lens, my actual experiences in the world showed me that people are, more often than not, just trying to be good. When you ask for help, people generally do want to help.
- Making friends as an adult is not as hard as it seems. I thought it was just easy as a kid because you'd bond over playing in the sandbox, but adult life really is the same thing; you're just bonding over something different, like a band you both went to see or some other shared interest.
- Community is so important. Community can be built no matter how hopeless it seems, and you can always become integrated into a new group and meet new friends.
I cried a lot on my phone call. I really spilled my guts to this person and they were so kind to listen to me. I wish I had gotten their name. After that interaction I headed back inside and worked a bit longer before heading home. My parents could tell I had a different air surrounding me, and it was fine. Now I'm here writing this journal entry, haha.
My eyes are really tired, and I feel sleepy. I haven't eaten all day so I'm gonna go make something to eat. I don't think I have it in me to process everything right this moment. I just need the rest, time to think, time to enjoy this sense of peace. I do intend to take full advantage of this tranquility and neuroplasticity soon, just not tonight.
I am very grateful for the kind souls at the Fireside Project. I'm grateful for the community I have found playing a silly online game with other silly people. I'm grateful for the life I have, the support I get from my parents, and the fact that I still have a roof over my head.
Next step: Checking out the MAPS Psychedelic Integration Workbook.